NYPD Is Putting Wheels To Trashcans for New-Yorkers’ Safety

The future is here, New Yorkers, so get ready to feel safe and secure! The NYPD is making a bold move to ensure the public’s protection by deploying a futuristic security robot at Times Square. This R2D2 wannabe on wheels is sure to deter any would-be criminals with its intimidating high-tech design.

Officially named the K5, this “trash can on wheels” (as one privacy advocate so lovingly described it) weighs a whopping 420 pounds and comes equipped with not one, not two, but four cameras to capture all the action. And by “action” I mean normal, law-abiding citizens going about their daily commute. But hey, if an actual crime were to occur, K5 could record it for retroactive review since it doesn’t have any real crime-fighting capabilities. Take that, bad guys!

With no arms or articulated limbs, K5 won’t be winning any hugging contests like its pal Mayor Eric Adams learned. But honestly, who needs hugs when you’ve got state-of-the-art surveillance? K5 can roam on its own for now, mapping out the station for optimal snooping—I mean safety. Once it learns the lay of the land, this techno-hero can start patrolling major areas to keep citizens in line.

Of course, K5 won’t be venturing onto actual platforms anytime soon. Baby steps! Wouldn’t want our little robot rolling onto the tracks during its first week on the job. Let’s have it map non-life threatening terrain before we give it access to the general public. Safety first!

And for anyone worried about constant surveillance, fear not! K5 promises its cameras will totally respect privacy and not incorporate facial recognition without telling you first. How thoughtful. The footage will only be viewed if necessary, like if a crime happens or the city wants to analyze behavior for totally legitimate reasons.

So relax, New York! No need to fret about safety anymore with this metal Detective K9 on the case. For just $9 an hour, you too can lease a sense of security. Can’t put a price on peace of mind! And no bathroom or meal breaks for this robotic hero–it’s on the job 24/7! Unlike those lazy human guards who want things like “lunch” and “sleep.”

Yep, K5 is here to serve, protect, and provide cost-efficient labor. Mayor Adams agrees this is a steal compared to an actual living wage. So sit back and enjoy the safety, New York. Just smile and wave at our friendly neighborhood robocop! Don’t mind the cameras–they’re just there to keep you honest. And safe, of course! What a time to be alive.

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